I AM SUFFOCATING

 I'm tired man sometimes I just sit in my room and hold my breath and let all the pressure and anxiety build up. And just let the time pass by.

At first, I couldn't breathe now I'm suffocating maybe the pressure from what I am chasing isn't worth for me. I used to say God's playing now the devil's on my team acting foul and it's all flagrant, trying to push me off the path that I'm steady paving. Sinis the currency and every day I'm making payments so I don't wanna live in it but I heard a saying which goes like; "Good knows evil 'cause the houses are both adjacent".

I don't know if I should go for these goals. I'veseen people who make it in life and become disrespectful to others. My anxiety is building as the weight of it grows, I succumb my self in privacy inside my room and I barely answer calls and when I see my phone. I'm reminded that the real feeling of being alone is having millions who love you but can leave you or say that they hate you at the moment, they don't fuck with a poor man. I used to laugh it off now I hold my breath and suffocate, then I sit and wait, just to see if I can kill the hate. And as I'm fleeting, I see God at the heaven's gates then come back down to fight another day. Then I grab that same phone and smile and wave! And pour my empty heart into a writing that they won't praise.

They say patience is the key, but they didn't tell me while I wait, I'll be locked inside a steel cage. Something's wrong, I feel claustrophobic! I'm stuck living in the past and not the moment and/or the future where my life is only more broken 'cause those wounds from the past are still open.I take sips of love and every single time it's poison. I see women who can't see past my employment or see me as enjoyment so I can't enjoy it 'cause the ride is temporary and they leave once they crash and destroy it. I don't think if this life is healthy, why didn't anybody tell me? Everybody want help but nobody wanna help me. I'm an ATM, a therapist and everybody's friendly and they hide their real intentions, but my mind won't let me know that. 

If I write a sad story don't ask me if I'm happy. Fuck a hook, my pain isn't catchy so you If you relate or worse feeling that badly well then I fuckin' pity me at least and check in if you at me. That's the only way I'll know who it touches, that's why I stay awake and answer DMs by the tens so I don't lose myself and fill my stomach with the feeling that I'm here just to suffocate for nothing, if you know real pain, then you see it when you look me in my eyes. I try to hide it but they do not lie that's why I want to sleep but if I try, all the demons who creep in my dreams will collide so I stay up and I stare at the ceiling and ask myself if I should even share these feelings on top of that, I hear a voice in the distance from a ghost-like image saying my pain could be somebody's healing the I close my eyes and drift to the place that inspires this story and as I see flames and I scream, I pray it's a place you'll never have to visit.


#MentalHealth #Depression #Suffocating

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